Breaking down, proving it

I brokedown on my way to work today. I was thinking about a lot of stuff. How I wanted closer female friends. Once thing that really got me going is something I remember someone else saying. It must have either been at Laura’s Playground or on Reddit-Ask a Transgender, since those are for the most part the two TG places I look at (other than a few TG blogs). The person said they’d rather give up 30 years (maybe I’m not remembering the number of years) and have a chance to relive their teenage years as a girl.

Speaking of Reddit, I_am_krista posted the link to this great article:

It’s talking about what I’ve been doing, trying to “prove” to myself that I’m trans.

The list of common thoughts certainly fits me:
““It’s probably just a kink, a sex thing”, “it’s just a phase… if I just settle down with a woman, maybe have some kids, and learn how to be a good man, it will go away”, “doesn’t everybody, on some level, sort of want to be the opposite sex?”, “I should just learn to live with being a feminine man”, “I just need to man-up, be more masculine, that will make it go away”, “maybe I’m just a self-hating gay man?”, “maybe I can just cross-dress on weekends? That will be good enough”, “It’s just my asberger’s”, “just my OCD”, “just my depression”, “just my lack of confidence”, “just my hatred of my identity”, “just…”.”

At least some of it does of course. Certainly I’ve thought of it just being a sex thing, but that has passed for the most part; except when I’m thinking about sex, which makes sense of course. There it is in writing, but even now I’m telling myself if I’d only be able to “be myself” on occassion I’ll be fine. I certainly do the lack of confidence thing.

7 thoughts on “Breaking down, proving it

  1. I have those same questions every day myself >_>. It does get pretty tiring, and I have definitely broken down over it more then once myself =/. I used to hang around those websites alot they are pretty good. Definitely should stick around those for support. =). Do you ever go on reddits chat or Lauras playground chat?

    • I haven’t tried either of them yet. Then again for chat things I usually don’t have the time to do that. I may try it out some time. What do you go by on them? I’m Kendra at Laura’s and Babylon Vampires on Reddit.

      • I dont actually have a name on reddit. I did have a throwaway account awhile ago to ask a question but I am more of a lurker. On LP I have a name which I prefer not to say on the blog for a few reasons lol :P. But ya if you ever go on those chats they are prettty awesome and there are quite few helpful people on each one respeciitlvey.

          • I made a blog post a bit ago comparing 2 communities… one being unnamed and the other being reddit… They approach things slightly differently I feel. you can probably guess which is the unnamed now :P. I like the community, and have made some very good friends on the site, but I just have some problems with some things that are said or what occurs on that site. I still pop on the chat once in awhile though lol.. much more rarely the forum now since I go to reddit and what not. If you ever pop around on there send me your name and i will message you :).

  2. This post and the linked post have given me a great deal to think about, so much so that I ditched what I was going to originally write about and instead talked about this issue. I am including links to both articles. I won’t post until after midnight WordPress time, (as seen on my stats page), but if your not comfortable with me doing that just let me know and I’ll remove the link.

    Thank you,
    Kira

  3. Pingback: Truth | Kira Moore's Closet

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